Know anyone whose only concern is themselves? Maybe someone who lives for the praise they think they richly deserve? If a few more conditions are met, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissism isn’t a mental illness as such. It’s considered a personality disorder, which is more challenging to deal with because many people with personality disorders don’t see that there’s a problem. Because personalities are so deeply shaped by our early experiences in life, changing deep aspects of them can be profoundly difficult. With narcissism, things are even worse because narcissists lack insight into themselves and rarely, if ever, see that their problems in life stem from themselves.

These are some of the common traits of narcissists:

  • Self-aggrandizement beyond merely boastful behavior
  • An overblown sense of self-importance to the point of grandiosity
  • A powerful belief they are unique, special and superior to “ordinary” people
  • A belief that they can only be understood by other “superior” people
  • Fantasies of brilliance, genius, good looks or success
  • A deep need to be admired or idolized and anger if that admiration doesn’t happen
  • A lack of empathy
  • Envious of others and the belief that others are envious of them
  • Arrogance and haughty behavior
  • Manipulative behavior
  • A powerful sense of entitlement to the best things in life, even without working for them, solely on the virtue of “being themselves”
  • A sense of being accomplished even when lacking achievements
  • A lack of insight into their own inner selves and behaviors
  • Superficially charming and engaging, while really being glib and shallow.

The above traits are shared by all narcissists, but there are two major variations. The grandiose narcissist truly believes they are as great as they say they are. They’re often referred to as having delusions of godhood. A vulnerable narcissist’s behavior is a facade, based on deep insecurities about their worth and self-image.

In an ideal world, we’d be able to avoid contact with narcissists completely. Unfortunately, our world is far from perfect and we have to deal with narcissists. Interacting with narcissists is best done with the following tips in mind:

  • Identify what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with (if you can). If you’re able to determine whether or not the person is a vulnerable or grandiose narcissist, you can better plan your responses.
  • Establish clear boundaries. Narcissists are manipulative; they’ll do anything to get you to acquiesce to their demands. They often play the victim in order to gain sympathy. Let them know where your boundaries are but expect them to try to violate those boundaries.
  • Maintain focus on their behaviors. If you feel tempted to give a narcissist the benefit of the doubt, watch what they do. They’ll always say the right thing, but what are they really doing? For example, narcissists love to make promises. They almost always break them.
  • Avoid engaging with them emotionally. Narcissists use emotions to manipulate people. Understand that a narcissist will betray anyone to get the approval or praise they need from others.
  • Focus on yourself. It’s all too easy to spend too much time and energy trying to get a narcissist to cooperate. Take care of yourself. Make sure your needs get met.

Remember that you can’t “fix” a narcissist. Narcissism of any kind must be addressed by a professional psychotherapist.

Damaris Aragon, ARNP, BC provides a full spectrum of mental health care to people in Spokane, Washington, and surrounding areas. She focuses on providing personalized, compassionate care that adheres to current evidence-based standards. Reach out to Damaris through her contact page or calling 509-342-6592.